Beware of Megalamania
Hah! And I had the audacity last March to think that I had risen above feelings of indignation, selfishness, angst, glum moods, crabbiness, and pettiness. At the time I was experiencing an amazing increase in synchronistic events through poems, songs, dreams, oracle cards, sermons, prayers, television shows and commercials, and even seemingly random events encountered while taking a stroll to the store, all of which pumped up my sense of awareness and appreciation for my spirit guides. Like a helium balloon rising up to the clouds, I was full of excitement at what I perceived as my inner awakening.
Miller said that during this phase “a super-human presence begins to guide us. … It seems super-human because we have no way of representing frontal lobe activity as being within us. There is no place on the sensory or motor cortex to record such a thing. … If your personality is not well-grounded you may not be able to assimilate an inflow of light and strength. The alchemist must balance intellect and emotion by using imagination in a controlled way to digest this sudden illuminating insight.”
As the helium seeped from my balloon one painful molecule at a time, I slumped back to earth. Over the next several months, I found myself facing some of the most challenging situations I have ever encountered in my life.
As I reread my journal entries from March 2013, I think I’m beginning to realize that it was in the cards, in the synchronicities, what the Universe was really trying to tell me was that if I am given lemons, I need to figure out how to make lemonade. I realized that the positive experiences on the horizon will only occur if I can release all negativity, if I can totally submit, if I can relinquish my autonomy, if I can change the very thoughts that run amok in my mind and re-orient my thought process. As all these contingencies “dawned” on me, I began to diligently monitor my thoughts and was shocked by how negative they were—constantly.
Until I can release this negativity, I will be imprisoned by my own illusions, my illusions that I have grown, when every day I am challenged with something that still makes me angry, or brings me to tears, or fills me with anxiety. I also must realize that I am exactly where the Universe needs me to be, at least for this moment in time, for it is only through these challenges that I can grow strong enough to break out of my cocoon, out of the Nigredo phase. I must lose myself to find myself. I finally get it. And I know now that it’s all in my head.
As I continue my efforts to free myself from this dark and solitude phase, I find comfort in a proverb, “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” ♂ ♀